The Songs I Cannot Sing

Thoughts swirling in my head. “you would be better off dead”, “Just quit trying, you are tried” and other precarious versions along the same lines. Darkness surrounding me, sadness from a depth I can’t identify. Anxiety at an all time high. Sleep, I can’t get enough sleep, 10 or 12 hours and still so exhausted. Making plans and committing to anything becomes an overwhelming burden. Being in charge of anyone in any scenario becomes the hardest of all. Others depending on me when I can’t depend on myself. Tears, fountains of tears.  I hear in my head, “Help! You need help!”

Jeffery R Holland said, “Among the realities we face as children of God living in a fallen world is that some days are difficult, days when our faith and our fortitude are tested. These challenges may come from a lack in us, a lack in others, or just a lack in life, but whatever the reasons, we find they can rob us of songs we so much want to sing”  Oh how I want to sing the joy filled songs.

“Where do I turn? What do I do?” The simple prayer ascends towards the heavens. What is that? A simple answer? Some thought to email my doctor comes to my head. Through the pain I push. I fight. I act. Doctor’s appointments, therapy, EMDR, and medication- hit it from every angle. One step at a time I walk forward. I make it through one more day, and then another. The thoughts continue, but somehow the darkness is slowly disappearing as I let others in.

Get to the temple. I feel compelled towards its doors. When I enter it is as though my burdens shut off for a time. Light, brightness, and love surround my troubled soul. Even if for just a moment I feel so much peace. It gives me strength. It gives me power.

One person at a time I try to share my struggles. Doctors, therapists, and eventually family members and friends. It hurts and I feel weak and afraid. I judge myself. The first person, and then the next. My circle of support growing ever so slowly. Suddenly I feel accountable for my life again. This is good and hard all the same. Time passes at a pace that feels so very slow. Hours, days, weeks, and months. “Will it ever get better?” I ask myself.

Slowly ever so slowly the darkness fades more and more. The thoughts are getting more sporadic and less intense. Small things make it easier to smile. My nephew comes and makes me play and laugh. It feels good. I try to embrace that good and surround myself in warmth and family love.

As I become more open, others share their struggles too. Somehow it helps me to feel less alone. They also share what is hard for them. My empathetic side surges ever forward. My desire to shine light to others in their darkness increases every day. As I feel light, I want to share it. I want the sun to shine in every stormy sky, sunshine in every soul if you will.

Not every day is good. Not every day is better. Yet, every day I am alive. I choose to stay. I choose to believe that “Jesus listening, can hear the songs I cannot sing.” I practice and I hope that one day my voice will echo a message clear and sweet “when the peaceful happy moments roll, when Jesus shows His smiling face, there is sunshine in my soul”