Taking out the trash


While growing up my parents frequently asked me to take out the trash. It is a simple task, but if you don't do it weird smells can fill the entire kitchen, and at times the entire hours. This can make living everyday life less enjoyable. It may sound strange, but it made me think, couldn't the same be true for clearing the trash out of souls?

Dating for me has been more adventurous than I care to admit. Many young men have sadly been more interested in having an object than a relationship. This happened to me again pretty recently. My friend of over a year decided to cross the friend boundary and make things more complicated. Long story short he wanted a physical relationship only when he wanted it and when it suited him best. He wanted me to come when he called and on his terms. He pushed boundaries and ignored the word no. He didn't make me feel too good. In fact, he made me feel like trash.

Suddenly someone I trusted and often relied on became someone that I feared and felt unsafe with.This time it was a crushing blow to an already fragile state of mind. I couldn't comprehend how someone who knew me would think that I wanted to participate in activities that would question my standards. What characteristics was I portraying to make someone believe I would be on board? What did that say about me as a person? Why did I feel like an object rather than a person?

Thankfully that situation ended rather quickly, but the scars that it left behind are deep. Not only was I angry with someone else, but I was also angry with myself. There is a song from the musical Wicked that summed it up pretty nicely... "Loathing, Unadulterated loathing for your face, your voice your clothing. Let's just say, I loathe it all!" Clearly, that is not the best place to be in when you are battling depression and anxiety.

Needless to say, I needed to fix these negative feelings, and fast. I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I poured out my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father in prayer begging him to remind me of who I am, and any potential that I have. I wanted to feel worthy as a person, and confident when interacting with others. Then I cried and cried. (This is one of my gifts... the gift of weeping)
For a brief moment I felt a spark of hope that maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought.

This battle is one I am still waging. I'm trying to fight each day to make sure I am working to become the person I want to be. I'm trying to take out the trash from my soul. I'm trying to eliminate people from my life that might fill my soul with that trash. It isn't easy, but in order to one day feel peace and joy I know it is a battle worth fighting. Somewhere deep inside I know that if I have no other talents, or abilities, I do have an eternal identity. I am a Child of God.






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