Have you ever sat wondering why God was mad at you? Somehow you must have sinned, or done something that would cause punishment for all of these really hard trials and challenges to be happening in your life. Perhaps you began to take an inventory reviewing your choices with a fine tooth comb to try and figure out when it all went wrong. You may have begun to compare yourself with others and notice how much better, or worse than they are from you. Perhaps there were lots of tears, prayers, and confusion. This is how it felt for me.
It challenged my perspective of the God I believe in. You see, I thought the God that I knew was a loving God who created miracles in the lives of His children. I had been far from perfect, but was striving to be a good person, to keep the commandments, and even to serve others around me. I'd just finished an incredibly rigrous education and was excited to begin working in my chosen field of business and making a difference. My only desire was for the basic simplistic joy that would result from creating a gospel centered home where we learned and grew together. How could I reconile my experience with that belief?
This wasn't my first wrestle with God. I'd had that previously when my father passed away at 16 years old, and again when I had another health crisis a couple of years ago. I had hoped I had learned the lesson from the really hard trials and was simply able to move on and learn from small ones instead. That wasn't the case, which should have been as surprising as it was to me.
The fine tooth comb reminded me that I was on a vacation celebrating with my husband when things took that turn for the worse. I'll spare you the grusome details of the time I spent becoming one with the bathroom floor, enduring a hosptial stay, emergency surgery, and a cancer scare. It wasn't the big ones that had me as perplexed. The simple fact that as I was recovering I was forced to return to work and to begin a job that was challenging, while navigating an ostomy bag, and the emotional cleanup of hormonal changes. I mean God, I just had surgery and I'm trying to put my life back together, but have you smelled this ostomy bag?! Father, why would you tell me it was a good idea to accept this sales job where people hang up on me daily, respond with insults and swearing, and where I make less money than I did before I went back to school. Why would this loving God allow me to suffer in big ways, and now even in the small stuff?
I began an indepth study about Jesus Christ and His atonement. I was reminded of Christ's life story. He hadn't had a fluffy happy everything goes right for me existence either. I came across a reminder that the atonement is multifaceted, there is not just a redeeming power, but also an enabling gift. David A. Bednar explains it this way, “The enabling power of the Atonement strengthens us to do and be good and to serve beyond our own individual desire and natural capacity.” I had the Savior by my side. Not only was He redeeming me from sorrow, frustration, the sticky daily situations, and degredation of his other childen; He was giving me the ability to serve, to love, and to lead myself and others closer to Him. I began to see that I could make another dial every day, or change my bag just one more time because I didn't have to do it alone. The best gift the Savior gave me was his presence.
I continued looking for answers and found other tid bits that helped along the way. For example, “Adversity should not be viewed as either disfavor from the Lord or a withdrawal of His blessings. Opposition in all things is part of the refiner's fire to prepare us for an eternal celestial destiny." Quentin L. Cook As I read those words I felt like the Lord was saying, "Hey Ash guess what, you didn't mess up, you just have to be refined like everyone else" Elder Cook continues, “The refiner’s fire is real, and qualities of character and righteousness that are forged in the furnace of affliction perfect and purify us and prepare us to meet God.” Ok so maybe all these small trials are just part of making my life a little bit more beautiful and meaningful while getting me ready to one day meet my maker.
It felt like I was finally coming out of the sorrow and starting to see the light of God's divine love again. I was recognizing His face. Then suddenly I was sitting at work and I saw my phone was ringing. I answered and what I heard on the other end of the phone couldn't have surprised me more. "Hey Ashley, would you and Nate be interested in adopting a baby?" To say I was stunned would be an understatement. Sure we had considered it before, but currently we hadn't made any finalized plans. Had God decided to answer my prayers in a new way? Was this the course correction I needed to get back on track? The call described a story that had a child in a pretty tricky situation. My husband and I chatted briefly and determined that we would press forward with it and just see what would happen. Family came and helped us create an adoption profile and we started to feel excited about the prospect of a bright future. Neither of us knew if it would go anywhere, but at least we were moving forward in a postive direction. We began to also look into fostering children, and meeting with a fertility specialist. If we did our part, surely God would choose one of those paths to answer our prayers. After all, He did love us right?!?
The very next day we were gathered for a family party and our nephew and his new wife made the announcement that they were expecting a baby. My heart felt joy for them that they could begin their family journey. However, it was brought to my attention that the adoption story was brought up to try to help ease the blow of us learning about the new addition to the family. Hurt, anger, and betrayal filled my soul. Did my family really think so little of me that they thought I couldn't be happy for someone else? I began to have bitter feelings to those individuals who had put us in the position of false hope. Why would anyone do something like that? (Hind sight helps me see that well meaning people sometimes just make imperfect judgement calls) More than that, why would my loving Heavenly Father allow them to do so? Didn't He know where I was at, and how hard it had been to come to peace with my current life situation. Why hadn't he protected me from this experience? I wept for a long time. Then I got on my knees.
Thankfully, fast sunday was just around the corner, so I added the complexity of my situation to my fasting. I desparetly wanted some answers and communication through revelelation. I woke up and got ready early to allow time to write in my journal and prepare to ask the right questions. I listened to sacred music which always comforts my soul. I clung to each testimony and found little reminders and ways that God was involved in the lives of people around me. One brother spoke of how we sometimes think we can't do it, but we can. We can do hard things. (I added especially with Christ's enabling power!) Another spoke of gratitude for the Lord allowing her to be found by missionaries. A third talked about an experience with FSY and how just the right people had been placed in her life to strengthen her testimony.
I came home from church and pondered more about the lesson in Sunday School which ironically was based on the life and teachings of Job. Admittedly, I hated how much I was relating to him in the part where he complains to God that things are getting too hard. It seemed all too real to me. I mean I wish I could relate to how well Job knew and relied on God in the begining chapters, but it was really Job 3 that struck a cord. In this part of the narrative Job describes wishing he had never been born because then he wouldn't have to face this hard time.
Thankfully as well, my support system isn't as messed up as Job's was either. My friends and family were kind and supportive for the most part. They haven't yet told me that I'd sinned and screwed up my life. (Thanks for keeping those thoughts to yourself ya'll :)) My husband stands faithfully by my side with total confidence in God. His faith has never waivered in the beautiful plan that lies ahead. My friends encourage me to pray, to read, and to learn. Even my coworkers put up with my constant frustration and act in patience when I cry over the silly stuff each day.
I don't quite know the end of the story yet. There are many ways that things can change. I could start to love my job, or I could get a new one. I could have a baby of my own, or adopt one. I could have an ostomy bag the rest of my life, or it could be reversed in a few more months. Only time will tell what the outcome will be. That part I really can't control. It's all in God's hands.
What I can do is use my experiences to learn and to become like the Japanese create, Kintsugi. This is formed as broken pieces of pottery are put back together with gold as their filling. It creates something stunning and unique. I can choose to allow circumstances to fill my life with golden nuggets and joy, or to let the bitterness make me angry and miserable. My goal moving forward is to choose the first. I want to allow the Lord to love me enough to cut me down, refine me with His fire, and make me into something more. I want to trust in God and His enabling power. I want to become better rather than bitter.
I'd love to learn from your experiences. How do you focus on becoming better? What helps you weed out the bitter parts of life?
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